Before doing my yearly write-up, I'm going to try to explain it for my readers who aren't familiar with it or who remain unconvinced of its glory. A previous Eurovision post just got moved back to the top of my blog, so if you want a refresher, it's nearby.
- Every year, countries within the European Broadcasting Union select a musical act to represent them at an expensive multinational competition. This competition is Eurovision, and it's more exciting than a royal wedding -- or should be.
- Most countries have to compete in a semi-final to get a place in the final. The countries that foot part of the bill, however, have guaranteed spots.
- Because the winner of the previous year's competition hosts the next one and the competition is hugely expensive, there is speculation that countries in economic crisis intentionally send acts that can't possibly win.
- Musical acts are not chosen for their quality. In fact, a popular method of choosing a Eurovision representative is just to pick a hot girl who can't sing to save her life. It makes for a good laugh during the competition.
- Musical acts range from hokey novelties to dead-serious ballads. Most songs are simple pop shlock that reference love in vague generalities. Since a great deal of the songs are in English (they were once required to be), singers often mispronounce words and lyrics are pretty awkward. Sometimes the lyrics just seem like random lines. It's okay. It's Eurovision. Bad lyrics are par for the course. It's just supposed to be catchy.
- Music comes second to spectacle. Costume changes, light shows, and completely unnecessary dancers all take precedence over the songs themselves.
- Some people treat Eurovision as Very Serious Business, but a great deal of its viewers and fans enjoy it for being a trainwreck that unites countries in a shared sense of "what the hell?" and shame. In the US, people who don't like pop music typically avoid all representations of it; in Europe, it seems like [i]everyone[/i] watches Eurovision. A lot of people just use it as an excuse to have a party.
- Since Europe doesn't have the same stigma against listening to pop as a lot of the US does, it's perfectly okay to think a song from Eurovision is actually kind of decent. Even if you go into Eurovision ironically, you'll inevitably begin liking one or two of the songs. This, too, is okay.
- England has a history of sending lackluster acts. It's become a running joke. England is just happy to not place last. (England isn't doing it for fear of having to pay for it, though, as they're one of the guaranteed sponsors every year. The English just pride themselves on their own shame like a bunch of cultural masochists.)
- Voting is not based on a song's quality. You can't vote for your own country, so countries vote by blocs -- basically, you vote for your neighbor. This means that really shitty songs can place very high while potentially decent songs place low. It's all based upon which bloc a country is in. England's awkward relationship with the continent combined with its habit of not going overboard on the sequins generally ensures that they always hover near the bottom.
This graphic (not made by me; I have no idea who to credit for it) hilariously explains how the voting works:
(Click for big)
- There is probably some kind of organized crime involvement in Eurovision voting. I'm not kidding. Major bucks get poured into betting on Eurovision results.
That about covers it. On one hand, I wish the US could participate. On the other, I know we'd take it too damn seriously, send some idiot singing a pseudo-country song, and take our ball and go home when we lose horribly for missing the point.
It doesn't mean America shouldn't appreciate Eurovision, though. So far I've not been able to convince my American friends of the contest's brilliance, but I'm working on it.
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